Dealing with Bullying: Expert Advice for Parents

By Dr. Karen Klause, MD

Few phrases strike more immediate concern in a parent’s heart than “My child is being bullied.” As a physician specializing in child development and behavioral health for over two decades, I’ve witnessed the profound impact bullying can have on children’s mental health, academic performance, and social development. This impact extends far beyond momentary discomfort—research consistently shows that bullying experiences can lead to long-term psychological effects that may persist into adulthood.

The statistics are sobering: according to the National Center for Educational Statistics, approximately one in five students reports being bullied during the school year. Meanwhile, cyberbullying has introduced new dimensions to this age-old problem, with 15% of high school students reporting having experienced electronic bullying in the past year. These numbers represent real children experiencing real suffering, often silently.

As parents, you play a crucial role in both preventing bullying and helping your child navigate these difficult experiences when they occur. However, many parents feel understandably overwhelmed when confronting bullying situations. Common questions include: How do I know if my child is being bullied? What’s the difference between normal conflict and bullying? Should I contact the school immediately or give my child tools to handle it first? What if my child is the one engaging in bullying behaviors?

This comprehensive guide will provide evidence-based approaches to understanding, preventing, and addressing bullying across different age groups and contexts. Drawing from the latest research in developmental psychology, education, and mental health, we’ll explore practical strategies that balance protecting your child with empowering them to develop resilience and social competence.

Understanding Bullying: Beyond the Basics

Defining Bullying Accurately

To address bullying effectively, we must first define it accurately. Bullying isn’t simply teasing, a one-time mean comment, or a mutual disagreement between peers. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, bullying involves three key elements:

1. Unwanted aggressive behavior
2. Power imbalance (whether physical, social, or psychological)
3. Repetition or high likelihood of repetition

This definition helps distinguish bullying from other types of peer conflict. The power imbalance is particularly significant—bullying occurs when the targeted child has difficulty defending themselves due to differences in physical strength, popularity, cognitive ability, or other factors creating vulnerability.

Types of Bullying

Bullying manifests in several distinct forms, each requiring specific recognition and response strategies:

Physical Bullying

• Direct physical aggression (hitting, kicking, pushing)
• Taking or damaging belongings
• Threatening physical harm
• Intimidating body language or physical blocking

Verbal Bullying

• Name-calling and insults
• Verbal threats
• Inappropriate sexual comments
• Taunting about appearance, abilities, or background

Social/Relational Bullying

• Deliberate exclusion from group activities
• Spreading rumors or lies
• Public humiliation or embarrassment
• Manipulating social relationships
• Encouraging others to reject or isolate the target

Cyberbullying

• Harmful messages or threats via digital platforms
• Sharing embarrassing images or videos without consent
• Creating fake profiles to damage reputation
• Online harassment or stalking
• Exclusion from online groups or activities

Research from the Yale School of Medicine indicates that while boys more frequently experience physical bullying, girls report higher rates of relational bullying. Cyberbullying affects all genders but presents unique challenges due to its potential for anonymity, rapid dissemination, and the difficulty of escaping its reach outside school hours.

The Developmental Context of Bullying

Bullying behaviors manifest differently across developmental stages, reflecting children’s evolving social understanding and skills:

Early Elementary (Ages 5-8)

• More direct and concrete forms of bullying
• Often impulsive rather than calculated
• May not fully understand the impact of their actions
• Physical bullying and name-calling are most common
• Exclusion begins to emerge as social groups form

Later Elementary (Ages 9-11)

• Increasing social awareness and concern with peer status
• More sophisticated relational aggression emerges
• Greater awareness of differences and vulnerabilities
• Begins to target children who deviate from perceived norms
• Friend groups become more stable and exclusionary

Middle School (Ages 12-14)

• Peak period for bullying behaviors
• Coincides with puberty and heightened social comparison
• Complex social hierarchies with status-based power dynamics
• Cyberbullying becomes more prevalent
• Identity-based targeting increases (race, sexuality, gender expression)

High School (Ages 15-18)

• Generally decreases in frequency but may increase in severity
• More entrenched social hierarchies
• Dating violence may overlap with bullying dynamics
• Sophisticated social manipulation and exclusion
• Digital bullying becomes more complex and potentially damaging

Understanding these developmental patterns helps parents calibrate their responses appropriately. What works for a 7-year-old experiencing bullying may be entirely ineffective—or even counterproductive—for a 15-year-old in a similar situation.

Risk Factors and Vulnerability

While any child can experience bullying, research has identified certain factors that may increase vulnerability:

Individual Factors

• Having a disability or special needs
• Being perceived as different from peers (appearance, interests, background)
• Having few friends or social connections
• Previous history of being bullied
• Perceived or actual LGBTQ+ identity
• Being perceived as weak or unable to defend oneself

Children with attention differences may face particular challenges with peer relationships. The resource on Parenting Kids with ADHD provides specialized guidance for supporting these children’s social development and addressing their unique vulnerability to bullying.

Environmental Factors

• School climate that inadvertently tolerates aggression
• High levels of competitive behaviors with little emphasis on cooperation
• Insufficient adult supervision
• Lack of clear consequences for bullying behaviors
• Family modeling of aggressive conflict resolution
• Community violence or high stress environments

Understanding these risk factors helps parents identify potential vulnerabilities and implement preventive strategies before bullying occurs.

Recognizing the Signs: When Your Child Is Being Bullied

Many children don’t voluntarily disclose bullying experiences. Research from the Youth Voice Project found that 50% of bullied students hadn’t told an adult at school, and 33% hadn’t told a parent. This silence stems from various factors including embarrassment, fear of retaliation, concern about parental overreaction, or beliefs that adults won’t or can’t help.

Given this reluctance to report, parents must remain alert to potential warning signs:

Physical and Behavioral Signs

• Unexplained injuries, bruises, or damaged belongings
• Frequent headaches, stomachaches, or other physical complaints
• Changes in eating habits (suddenly skipping meals or binge eating)
• Difficulty sleeping or frequent nightmares
• Declining interest in previously enjoyed activities
• Sudden loss of friends or avoidance of social situations
• Decreasing grades or reduced interest in schoolwork
• Self-destructive behaviors (running away, self-harm, talking about suicide)

Emotional Signs

• Increased anxiety, particularly before school or social events
• Sadness, withdrawal, or depression
• Reduced self-esteem and negative self-talk
• Expressions of feeling helpless or inadequate
• Sudden mood swings or personality changes
• Heightened sensitivity to criticism or perceived slights
• Unusual aggression toward siblings or parents

School-Related Signs

• Reluctance or refusal to go to school
• Changes in routes to/from school or requesting parent transportation
• Arriving home from school hungry (lunch money taken)
• Rarely invited to peers’ homes or social events
• Seeking excessive adult company and avoiding age-mates
• Missing or damaged belongings, clothing, or school supplies
• Few or no friends to talk about or spend time with

Technology-Related Signs of Cyberbullying

• Noticeable anxiety when receiving notifications
• Abruptly stopping device use when parents approach
• Reluctance to share online activities or hiding screen
• Deleting social media accounts or creating new ones
• Appearing upset after using digital devices
• Withdrawal from digital platforms previously enjoyed

For parents navigating the complex intersection of technology and bullying, the detailed guidance in Setting Boundaries with Teens Around Technology provides valuable strategies for digital monitoring while respecting appropriate privacy.

Immediate Response Strategies: When Your Child Reports Bullying

When your child discloses bullying experiences, your initial response significantly influences both their immediate well-being and their likelihood of sharing future concerns. Research in developmental psychology emphasizes several key elements of effective first responses:

1. Listen Fully Without Immediate Problem-Solving

When children report bullying, parents often rush to action before fully understanding the situation. Instead:

• Create uninterrupted time and space for discussion
• Use reflective listening techniques (“It sounds like that made you feel…”)
• Ask open-ended questions about what happened, who was involved, and how they felt
• Avoid interrupting with solutions or judgments
• Validate emotions without catastrophizing (“I understand why you feel upset about this”)

2. Commend Courage and Reinforce Trust

Acknowledging the difficulty of reporting bullying reinforces that your child made the right choice in coming to you:

• Explicitly praise their bravery in speaking up
• Thank them for trusting you with this information
• Reassure them that sharing problems with trusted adults is always appropriate
• Confirm your unconditional support regardless of the situation

3. Gather Complete Information

Understanding the full context helps determine appropriate next steps:

• Clarify whether this is a one-time incident or ongoing pattern
• Identify all individuals involved, including bystanders
• Determine when and where incidents occur
• Document specific behaviors rather than general complaints
• Ask about any responses or strategies your child has already tried
• Inquire about any adults who may have witnessed or been informed

4. Validate Without Overreacting

Your emotional response sets the tone for how your child will process the experience:

• Acknowledge the legitimacy of their feelings
• Maintain calm even if internally distressed
• Avoid making promises you can’t keep (“I’ll make sure this never happens again”)
• Don’t vilify the child engaging in bullying behaviors
• Express confidence in finding a solution together

5. Collaborate on Next Steps

Including your child in decision-making about responses (appropriate to their age) builds agency and prevents feelings of helplessness:

• Ask what kind of help they would like from you
• Present age-appropriate options rather than imposing solutions
• Discuss potential consequences of different approaches
• Balance respect for their preferences with necessary protection
• Establish a plan for ongoing communication about the situation

For children whose emotional response to bullying is particularly intense or prolonged, the resource on Mental Health Awareness for Kids and Teens provides valuable guidance on distinguishing normal distress from more serious mental health concerns requiring professional support.

Strategic Intervention: Working with Schools and Other Settings

Effectively addressing bullying typically requires collaboration with the institutions where it occurs. Research on successful anti-bullying interventions consistently emphasizes the importance of systematic, whole-community approaches rather than isolated actions.

Engaging with Schools Effectively

Understanding School Policies

Before approaching school personnel:

• Review the school’s anti-bullying policy and disciplinary procedures
• Understand reporting protocols and expected response timelines
• Familiarize yourself with relevant state laws regarding bullying
• Identify the appropriate initial contact person (teacher, counselor, principal)

Productive Communication Approaches

When meeting with school staff:

• Bring documented incidents with specific dates, times, and details
• Use neutral, factual language rather than accusatory statements
• Express concern for all children involved, including those bullying
• Ask about the school’s specific plan to address the situation
• Establish communication channels for follow-up
• Request information about supervision in locations where incidents occur

Escalation When Necessary

If initial responses prove inadequate:

• Follow the chain of command (teacher → counselor → principal → superintendent)
• Formally document all communications in writing
• Reference specific policies or laws that apply to the situation
• Consider requesting an evaluation for special education services if bullying targets disability
• Contact school board members if administrative responses are insufficient
• In severe cases, consult with an education advocate or attorney

Collaborative Problem-Solving

The most effective interventions involve partnership between parents and schools:

• Participate in developing safety plans with specific protective measures
• Suggest increased supervision in problem areas
• Discuss classroom-level interventions to improve social climate
• Explore opportunities for positive social connections
• Request regular progress updates and establish review timelines

Addressing Bullying in Other Settings

Bullying occurs beyond school environments, requiring tailored approaches for different contexts:

Extracurricular Activities

• Communicate with coaches, instructors, or program leaders
• Review organization policies regarding behavioral expectations
• Discuss supervision practices during unstructured time
• Consider whether the activity environment inadvertently encourages aggressive competition

Neighborhood/Community Settings

• Approach other parents calmly and non-accusatorily
• Focus on specific behaviors rather than character judgments
• Suggest structured activities that promote positive interaction
• Consider supervised playdates to establish better relationship patterns

Digital Environments

• Document cyberbullying through screenshots or message histories
• Report harassment through platform reporting mechanisms
• Contact parents of other children involved when appropriate
• Involve school administration if cyberbullying involves classmates
• Consider temporary technology breaks if digital spaces become overwhelming

For parents navigating the digital landscape with older children, the comprehensive approaches in Preparing Your Teenager for Adulthood include valuable strategies for developing digital citizenship and online safety skills that help prevent and address cyberbullying.

Building Resilience: Empowering Your Child

While addressing external factors is essential, equally important is strengthening your child’s internal resources for navigating social challenges. Research on resilience consistently shows that children who develop specific social-emotional skills are better equipped to handle bullying situations and experience fewer long-term negative effects.

Social Skills Development

Assertiveness Training

• Practice using firm, clear statements (“I don’t like that. Please stop.”)
• Teach the difference between passive, aggressive, and assertive responses
• Role-play maintaining eye contact and confident body language
• Develop scripts for common difficult situations

Friendship Building

• Identify and nurture potential positive peer relationships
• Arrange structured activities with prosocial peers
• Teach specific friendship-making and maintenance skills
• Support involvement in activities matching your child’s interests

Conflict Resolution

• Distinguish between conflict and bullying
• Teach appropriate responses to non-bullying peer disagreements
• Practice perspective-taking and compromise strategies
• Develop vocabulary for expressing feelings constructively

The comprehensive approaches in Building Self-Esteem in Children provide additional strategies for developing the social confidence that helps children navigate peer relationships more successfully.

Emotional Regulation Strategies

Identifying and Naming Emotions

• Help children recognize physical sensations associated with different emotions
• Expand emotional vocabulary beyond basic feelings
• Normalize all emotions while guiding appropriate expression
• Practice recognizing emotions in others through facial expressions and body language

Calming Techniques

• Teach deep breathing exercises appropriate for your child’s age
• Practice simple mindfulness activities to manage strong emotions
• Develop personalized calming strategies (visualization, progressive relaxation)
• Create a “calm down plan” for high-stress situations

Cognitive Restructuring

• Challenge negative self-talk that bullying may reinforce
• Distinguish between facts and interpretations of social situations
• Develop realistic perspective on others’ opinions and actions
• Build accurate attribution of others’ behaviors (not always personally targeted)

Building Support Networks

Identifying Safe People

• Help your child identify multiple trusted adults in different settings
• Discuss characteristics of supportive friends versus unhealthy relationships
• Create a “support map” of people they can turn to in different situations
• Practice asking for help in various scenarios

Bystander Intervention

• Discuss the powerful role of bystanders in bullying situations
• Teach safe intervention strategies (getting help, supporting the targeted child)
• Practice responses to witnessing others being bullied
• Emphasize the difference between “tattling” and reporting harmful behavior

For parents of children with exceptional abilities who may face social challenges related to their differences, the resource on Recognizing Signs of Giftedness in Children provides specialized guidance on supporting these children’s unique social-emotional development.

Special Considerations for Different Types of Bullying

Physical Bullying

Physical bullying presents immediate safety concerns requiring prompt intervention:

• Document visible injuries with photographs and medical documentation
• Consider safety plans for unavoidable contact with the bullying child
• Teach appropriate physical boundaries and the right to physical safety
• Distinguish between self-defense and retaliation
• Address any power imbalances through appropriate adult intervention

Relational Bullying

Social exclusion and relationship manipulation require different approaches:

• Validate the real pain of social rejection
• Avoid dismissive statements (“Just ignore them” or “Find other friends”)
• Help expand social circles beyond the problematic peer group
• Teach recognition of healthy versus unhealthy friendship patterns
• Support participation in activities where new connections can form
• Consider the role of social skills development if appropriate

Cyberbullying

Digital bullying presents unique challenges requiring specialized strategies:

• Maintain open communication about online experiences
• Establish appropriate monitoring while respecting privacy
• Save evidence of cyberbullying through screenshots
• Teach responsible digital citizenship and online safety
• Understand relevant platform policies and reporting mechanisms
• Consider temporary breaks from problematic platforms

For comprehensive guidance on digital wellbeing and safety, parents can find valuable strategies at Setting Boundaries with Teens Around Technology, which addresses both prevention and response to online harassment.

Identity-Based Bullying

Bullying targeting race, religion, disability, sexuality, gender expression, or other personal characteristics requires additional considerations:

• Acknowledge the additional layer of harm in targeting identity
• Affirm the value and worth of your child’s identity
• Connect with identity-specific support resources
• Consider whether incidents constitute discrimination requiring legal intervention
• Balance protecting your child with supporting their pride in their identity
• Advocate for inclusive educational environments and policies

When Your Child Engages in Bullying Behaviors

Learning that your child has bullied others can be deeply distressing. However, responding constructively rather than defensively creates opportunity for important growth and change.

Understanding Contributing Factors

Children engage in bullying behaviors for various reasons:

• Modeling of aggressive behavior at home or in media
• Attempt to establish social status or popularity
• Response to being bullied themselves
• Lack of empathy development or perspective-taking skills
• Insufficient emotional regulation abilities
• Unaddressed mental health or neurodevelopmental issues
• Group dynamics and peer pressure

Effective Response Strategies

Gather Complete Information

• Listen to all perspectives without immediately dismissing allegations
• Seek details from teachers, other parents, and bystanders
• Understand the context and history of the situation
• Distinguish between leadership role and follower behavior

Hold Accountable with Support

• Establish clear, firm disapproval of the behavior without shaming the child
• Implement appropriate consequences focused on restoration rather than punishment
• Require meaningful amends to the harmed child when appropriate
• Explore underlying issues driving the behavior
• Teach alternative strategies for meeting social needs

Develop Necessary Skills

• Implement targeted empathy-building activities
• Teach emotional regulation strategies
• Develop perspective-taking through literature and discussion
• Build social skills for positive peer leadership
• Address any underlying mental health or developmental needs

Monitor and Support Change

• Increase supervision in problematic situations
• Maintain regular communication with school personnel
• Acknowledge and reinforce positive behavioral changes
• Consider professional support if behaviors persist

For parents navigating behavioral challenges in children who may have attention or impulse control difficulties, the specialized approaches in Parenting Kids with ADHD provide valuable strategies that address the social skills development these children may need.

Prevention Strategies: Creating Bullying-Resistant Children

While no child is completely immune to bullying, certain preventive approaches can reduce vulnerability and increase resilience when challenges occur.

Foundational Relationship Building

Strong parent-child relationships provide the secure base from which children navigate social challenges:

• Maintain open communication about daily experiences
• Create regular one-on-one time with each child
• Respond supportively to small concerns to build trust for sharing bigger issues
• Model healthy conflict resolution in family disagreements
• Demonstrate respect for others’ boundaries and differences
• Explicitly discuss values regarding treatment of others

Proactive Skill Development

Before problems arise, help children develop key protective capacities:

• Emotional literacy and regulation
• Healthy friendship-building skills
• Assertiveness and boundary-setting
• Problem-solving strategies for social conflicts
• Empathy and perspective-taking
• Recognition of bullying versus normal conflict

Community Engagement

Broader involvement creates environments less conducive to bullying:

• Participate in school climate initiatives and anti-bullying programs
• Volunteer in settings where your child spends time
• Build relationships with other parents to create supportive networks
• Advocate for evidence-based bullying prevention in your community
• Support inclusive practices that reduce isolation of vulnerable children

For busy parents balancing multiple responsibilities while supporting their children’s social development, the practical resources at Best Parenting Apps include tools for monitoring social-emotional wellbeing and building skills that help prevent bullying situations.

Long-Term Support: Addressing Lasting Effects

Even after active bullying stops, children may experience lingering effects requiring ongoing support. Research indicates that childhood bullying experiences are associated with increased risk of anxiety, depression, and social difficulties that can persist into adulthood without appropriate intervention.

Recognizing Warning Signs of Ongoing Impact

Monitor for persistent signs that additional support may be needed:

• Continued avoidance of certain places or activities
• Lasting changes in personality or confidence
• Sleep disturbances or nightmares about social situations
• Generalized anxiety about new social environments
• Persistent negative self-perception or self-criticism
• Development of school refusal or academic disengagement

Rebuilding Trust and Security

After bullying experiences, children need support rebuilding their sense of safety:

• Gradually reintroduce challenging social situations with support
• Celebrate small steps toward renewed confidence
• Create opportunities for positive social experiences
• Maintain open communication about ongoing concerns
• Reinforce the child’s value separate from peer treatment

Professional Support When Needed

Consider professional help if:

• Emotional distress remains significant despite your support
• Functioning in school or other settings is impaired
• Physical symptoms persist (sleep problems, stomachaches, headaches)
• Self-harm thoughts or behaviors emerge
• Anxiety or depression symptoms interfere with daily life
• Social withdrawal becomes extreme or prolonged

Types of professional support to consider:

• School counseling services
• Individual therapy (particularly cognitive-behavioral approaches)
• Group therapy focused on social skills or trauma recovery
• Family therapy if the bullying has affected family dynamics
• Psychiatric evaluation if symptoms are severe or persistent

For comprehensive guidance on recognizing when children’s emotional responses indicate need for professional support, the resource on Mental Health Awareness for Kids and Teens provides valuable information on distinguishing normal distress from more serious concerns.

Special Considerations for Diverse Children

Children with Medical or Developmental Differences

Children with visible or invisible differences face unique bullying challenges:

• Higher rates of targeting based on perceived differences
• Potential difficulty recognizing or reporting bullying
• Additional vulnerability due to communication or social skills challenges
• Complex intersection between disability-based harassment and bullying

Supportive approaches include:

• Age-appropriate education about their condition and how to explain it to peers
• Self-advocacy skills specific to their needs
• Collaboration with medical providers on school accommodations
• Potential for legal protections under disability laws when bullying targets disability

For parents of children with medical conditions that may make them targets for bullying, the comprehensive approaches in Navigating Childhood Allergies Safely include valuable strategies for building self-advocacy skills that apply across various medical conditions.

Culturally Responsive Approaches

Cultural background influences how families and children experience and respond to bullying:

• Different cultural norms regarding appropriate responses to aggression
• Varying family values about involving authorities versus handling within community
• Additional layer of harm when bullying targets cultural identity
• Potential language barriers in reporting and addressing incidents

Effective support considers:

• Cultural values regarding conflict resolution
• Community resources within cultural groups
• Balance between cultural approaches and institutional requirements
• Advocacy for culturally responsive bullying prevention in schools

Conclusion: Creating a Path Forward

Addressing bullying effectively requires a multifaceted approach that combines protection with empowerment, immediate intervention with long-term skill building, and individual support with community change. As parents navigating this challenging territory, remember several key principles:

Balance protection and empowerment. While your instinct may be to shield your child completely, the most resilient children develop through guided experience handling challenging situations with appropriate support.

Focus on what can be controlled. While you cannot control other children’s behavior or every environment your child enters, you can influence how your child responds, the skills they develop, and the support systems surrounding them.

Maintain perspective while taking concerns seriously. Not every negative peer interaction constitutes bullying, but all children deserve to have their distress acknowledged and addressed appropriately.

Model the values you hope to instill. Your response to your child’s bullying situation—whether as target or participant—teaches powerful lessons about empathy, justice, problem-solving, and resilience.

Remember that recovery is possible. With appropriate support, children can not only recover from bullying experiences but develop greater empathy, resilience, and social wisdom through navigating these challenges.

For comprehensive resources on supporting your child’s overall development while addressing specific challenges like bullying, visit HappyFamz, where you’ll find evidence-based guidance for raising emotionally healthy, socially skilled, and resilient children.

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Dr. Karen Klause is a board-certified physician specializing in child development, behavioral health, and family dynamics. With over 25 years of clinical experience and extensive research in childhood social development and trauma, Dr. Klause provides evidence-based guidance for families navigating complex behavioral and emotional challenges including bullying prevention and intervention.